Mentoring Our Boys –

Teen Rebellion

For some reason, our culture has decided that teen rebellion is normal, unavoidable, and even acceptable. We joke about it and make light of it. It’s just the way it is.

I say there is a better way. So let’s take a look at “Dad vs. Culture.” Let’s look at how God sees rebellion and how the relationship/authority dynamics can play on this issue, specifically with teenage boys. Let’s discover the deceit of culture as it relates to the parent/teen relationship.

Mankind’s Ethos of Rebellion

If there was ever a recurring theme for God’s chosen people, it would be their propensity to rebel against Him. The original sin in the garden - rebellion against God. Idol worship at the base of Mount Sinai - rebellion against God. Lack of trust to enter the Promised Land - rebellion against God. Peter’s denial of Jesus - rebellion against God. As scripture reveals over and over again: “… you rebelled against the command of the Lord your God. You grumbled … you did not trust in the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 1:26-32).

The original sin of Adam and Eve is worth a closer look. Genesis 3:1-7 tells the story. “Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the other wild animals …” So he preyed on the one more easily deceived. “‘You will not surely die,’ the serpent said to the woman … the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom …” So the woman gave in to the temptation. Commentary on this passage often highlights that “her husband, … was with her …” then ate the fruit. Because he is the one who received God’s commandment regarding the tree, he is the one responsible for the obedience. He was the one given authority and failed to stand firm on behalf of the woman. Was he not listening as Eve was tempted by Satan? Maybe he was watching ESPN and missed the whole thing. Ya, that’s it, he missed it all.

But the Lord took this rebellion seriously. The penalty for the original sin is death. The penalty for the rebellious Jews was the Law of the old covenant.

Rebellious Sons

It’s a scary thought to consider God’s law as it applied to a rebellious son of the Old Testament. “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son … bring him to the elders at the gate … Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death” (Deuternomy 21:18-19). Thank God for the grace of the new covenant - we are no longer “under the law.” We can offer grace to our sons. We can love our sons as we nurture and grow in relationship with them, just as God does with His children.

Even King David recognized his own youthful disobedience. As he says in Psalm 25:7, “Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways.” Here, a man after God’s own heart had to repent the sins of his youth and his rebellious ways. But truly, why would we expect any different?

And how about one of today’s Christian giants? Dr. James Dobson related a story in his book Bringing Up Boys. He tells of a day when his mother had to call his dad, a traveling evangelist, and tell him, “I need you.” You see, at age sixteen our beloved Dr. Dobson was getting a bit smart with his mom. And at the first sign of his disrespect to her, his dad literally gave up his career to be around during those last two volatile years. The good news is Dr. Dobson’s father was willing to make the sacrifice to be closer to home. Through a commitment to relationship with his son, Dr. Dobson’s dad finished raising young James into the man we know today, by the grace of God.

Yes, by the grace of God. You see, God instituted the family as His principle instrument of relationship and authority. He established the relationships between husband and wife, parent and child, father and son. From these relationships we are to practice our responsibilities with authority, submission, teaching and learning. And it is here we deal with youthful rebellion.

While scripture tells us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1-2), Jesus also warned his disciples “children will rebel against their parents” (Matthew 10:21). So King David and Dr. Dobson would not have been exempt from this youthful attribute. But we must understand that “he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted” (Romans 13:2).

The Adolescent Brain

A number of brain developmental processes are occurring during adolescence, which may help explain some of the irrational behavior of teens. These neural changes are quite influential in the choices teens make and can drive a parent crazy. Both boys and girls experience these changes.

Most significantly, the teenage brain takes on a second dramatic period of growth and accelerates the pruning of unused neural connections. As a result, the adolescent often struggles with normal thinking and decision-making. In addition, most of this growth occurs in the frontal lobe, which is commonly referred to as the “judgment center” of the brain. So imagine your teenager with an uncharted desire for independence and combining it with a difficulty in controlling impulses and weighing risks. You may begin to recognize the need for a little understanding when you observe what appears to be a brain-dead, rebellious young adult. Making the point very well, Blaine Bartel dedicates and entire chapter titled “I’m a Little Brain-Damaged, So Get Used to it,” in his book Let Me Tell You What Your Teens Are Telling Me.

Caught in Between

I mentioned a teen’s uncharted desire for independence. As physical adults, our older teens are appropriately ready for some freedom and autonomy. In fact, they are a bit out of place as dependents under our authority. Every culture other than the modern high tech culture of today has or had fifteen and sixteen year olds marrying, having babies and making a living. Only today’s technologically advanced society all but requires these young adults to stay at home while continuing their advanced education. This subculture of sixteen to nineteen year olds is caught between childhood and adulthood. That sounds like a rock and a hard place to me. This no-man’s-land puts a huge strain on parent-child relationships. And I’m not sure if there is a fix; it seems universal that parents and older teens have conflict.

But despair not. This phase is temporary. Expect it. Don’t over-react to it. Be cool, calm and collected. Not that I pulled this off very well myself, but I believe you can do better. And when (not if, but when) you find yourself screaming and flailing like you’ve lost all control (I’ve been there), just take a deep breath, pray for grace and wisdom, then apologize to your teen and move forward. Mr. Bartel’s very next chapter to parents is titled: “Quit Trying to Act Perfect Because It’s Obvious That You’re Not.”

I recommend you read at least six books about raising teenagers. After the first two, you may not be convinced. By the time you’ve read four books, you’ll figure there must be something to what they’re saying. If you read at least six, you’ll finally be convinced (you think I’m joking). The teaching on this is quite consistent. Your natural parental responses to the phenomenom of teenagedom probably won’t work. We all could use the help of someone who’s either been there and/or from someone with a professional background in the area. I’ve done a lot of both.

Posted on February 9th, 2008 by Jeff Purkiss
Filed under: Cultural Issues, Rebellious Teens