Mentoring Our Boys –

The Elementray Classroom

I once introduced a Bringing Up Boys teaching topic by quoting from the book’s author, Dr. James Dobson. He had masterfully built on his teaching point with a clear and logical explanation. But Iwent straight to his punch line: “Elementary classrooms … are designed primarily by women to fit the temperament and learning styles of girls.”

Now, because I had studied several resources supporting this idea, in my mind it made intuitive sense; or so I thought. In fact, I declared the point with a hint of humor, trying to set the tone for the rest of the class period. Boy did I set the tone; but not as I had intended.

A few more minutes into the class a gentleman interrupted, “Excuse me, Jeff, I think you have a few ladies sitting back here squirming in their seats. I think they’re school teachers.”

I immediately felt a warm sensation flush through my whole body. “Open mouth, insert foot,” I thought. How am I going to recover from this?

The first words out of my mouth were, “Dobson said it! He explains it well.” Now would you believe I had an opportunity to tell this story to Dr. Dobson recently? He responded, “Oh sure, blame it on me.” But it gets worse. The next words out of my mouth to the school teachers were, “actually we homeshool.”

Oops, not a good answer. Not only had I dug myself into a hole, I was burying myself in it! There was no recovering now.

The following week, class attendance dropped a bit. Only those returning got the benefit of a better-prepared explanation of Dr. Dobson’s point.

Two lessons relearned: First, know your audience; second, it’s all in the delivery.

So here’s the explanation. And we’ll see the significance of this explanation as we discover: 

Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity.

Simply put:

Almost every authority on child development recognizes that schools are typically not set up to accommodate the unique needs of boys.  Elementary classrooms, especially, are designed primarily by women to fit the temperament and learning styles of girls.
(Bringing Up Boys, Dr. James Dobson)

John Eldredge sees the dilemma as well: “The average schoolteacher faces an incredible challenge: to bring order to a room of boys and girls, and promote learning. The main obstacle to that noble goal is getting the boys to sit still, keep quiet, and pay attention … for an entire day. You might as well hold back the tide. That’s not the way a boy is wired, and it’s not the way a boy learns. Rather than changing the way we do male education, we try to change males.”

J. Richard Fugate takes this concern a step further. “Most men in the 21^st century have been raised mostly by female caregivers.”

Think about it – from grade school teachers to Sunday School teachers, from day-caregivers to soccer moms. Even the Boy Scouts welcome female adult Scout Masters – the women go camping with the boys.

Dr. Dobson shares this from his research: Sociologist Peter Karl believes that because boys spend up to 80 percent of their time with women, they don’t know how to act as men when they grow up.

And to boot, it is only natural for moms to resist their son’s innate desire to one day detach from her. While dad becomes “all that” when the lad turns about age three to five, moms continue to crave lots of hugs and kisses, quiet story times, and gentle tickle games. Moms are discouraged by grass stains on the knees, knots on the head, and dirt where dirt shouldn’t get.

All the while, these moms may not be aware of the masculine identity trying to emerge. Her young man is trying to “formulate a masculine identity.” She does not understand that she is, according to Dr. Dobson, “… in his way. If she is too close, the child may feel swallowed up by her. After all, she is a woman. She stands between him and being a man.”

Don’t get me wrong. The young man will need to learn how to relate with femininity. Mom can help him by teaching him to treat her like a lady, with love and honor. But …

Dad (and/or other men) should become his primary teacher/mentor.

Posted on December 13th, 2007 by Jeff Purkiss
Filed under: Fathering/Mentoring